Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
4 words: hood of his car
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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