I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
