is your mom at the bar?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
