Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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