I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
