If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
