I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
