Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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