If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
