Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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