I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
