I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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