Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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