shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And then my night got REAL pukey
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
