I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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