dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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