I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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