Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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