And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
