Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
