The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
