Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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