Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
