I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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