just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I intend to get homeless drunk
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
