I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
