i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
