Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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