Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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