I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
