Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
