I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
