I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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