Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
jump out the window naked night went bad
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
