goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
