the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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