Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
