I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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