I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
