I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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