does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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