Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Randomize
