I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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