Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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