Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
