I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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