I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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