the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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