I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
