made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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