she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
