it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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