Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
