NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
