So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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