You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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