Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize