i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
