so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
