How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
