i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
