I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
